Top 10 Things You Must Know Before Visiting Kauai

I don't know if you've ever had the pleasure of coming to Hawaii, but there are some things I'd like to share with you if you haven't.

10. Under arms DO sunburn. Just today, I've spotted about 849 tourists with red, swollen armpits. In the future, Cameron and I plan on creating a deodorant with SPF to prevent such horrors. Until then, please consider keeping your arms at your sides while tanning.
9. There is such a thing as glow-in-the-dark. This afternoon, while reading poolside, I looked up only to be suddenly blinded... by the skin of a Midwestern child, who will be the first in many case studies about children who are whiter than albinos. My favourite reaction to this phenomenon was Cameron's, "He should wear an umbrella!" closely followed by Kat's continued laughter at my white jokes. Moral of the story: Parents, please... spray tan your children.
8. Everything here is expensive in a completely ungodly, unlawful, sin-against-humanity sort of way. Internet for a day: $11; Cheeze-Its (small box): $8; gallon of milk: $7. The list goes on and on, people. Even if you have a full kitchen like I do, it will likely cost you just as much to eat in for every meal as it will for you to fly here.
7. It is illegal to touch a sea turtle. And if you do, it will bite you. Neither the fine nor the hand puncture is worth it. For further reading, see Cwerwiak, Matthias.
6. It's probably cheaper to Priority Flat Rate ship your acquired items home than to pay $25 to check a second bag.
5. Don't fly Hawaiian. Please. Don't do it. Stick with Delta, United, or American. These airlines even offer non-stops to the smaller islands, and Delta planes have the convenience of personal TV/movie screens in front of your chair.
4. Leaving the sliding glass doors of your bedroom/living area/kitchen open will result in sparrows invading your food/suitcase/other items.
3. All the beaches are public. To prevent you and other tourists from invading their favourite surf spots, locals will sometimes (read: often) move "Danger" signs from one beach to another... just to scare you off.
2. Wearing Hawaiian print anything should be banned. It makes you stand out like a sore thumb as a tourist, no one looks good in it, and it almost certainly comes only in tacky colours. Please avoid.
1. Best way to lie out: bring a blow up raft to the pool. You can kep cool while tanning, and if you're tricky, it's even possible to balance a book and a mai tai.